Hey, so I know some of you just follow me for reblogs and that’s great! But for those of you who follow me and are interested in my once-in-a-blue-moon clues to what’s happening in my life, I need to get some stuff out. So here is a comprehensive mental health update that is in no way comprehensive and was made with little to no influence from others. Also, sorry but I’m on mobile so I don’t know how to put stuff under a cut.
So recently, a lot of stress was lifted off my shoulders with AP testing done with and my hardest class scaling down significantly in difficulty. But, the thing is, my anxiety has stayed at a similar level, except that now I don’t really have something to hide behind. Like, before I could, in my head and out, blame it all on taking the hardest class offered at my high school along with at least three other advanced classes, but now I just feel kinda shitty and I’m kinda realizing that the excuse was just that, an excuse.
And I’ve kinda tried to explain some stuff to other people and, they haven’t reacted the best? Like they’re understanding and all, but I kinda realized through them that what I’m experiencing isn’t exactly the most normal thing. So that kinda hit like a ton of bricks.
So now I’m mildly confident that I might have some sort of anxiety disorder, but my brain is still going on about how I’m projecting things onto myself or it might be I just suck or I’m just doing it to be ‘special’ or I’m faking it or or or or or. I realize that this is a sign of somthing like that, and most of my brain agrees but whenever I think too much about it, my head gets into a battle with itself and I can’t do anything else but mentally argue.
And as much as I try not to overburden my, like, four friends I talk to about this, i feel pretty bad whenever I reaveal “too much” about the thought process of mine and they text something back like “Max. It’s been going on that long? Why haven’t you said anything?” Or “Max…I know you don’t want to, but if it’s really affecting your life where you’re suffering, i think you need to do it [see someone about anxiety]. It’s not worth it.” And the problem is that they’re coming from a kind place, but it’s really hard to imagine a life where I didn’t grow up like this, where I don’t constantly stress about grades and my friends and the world and if imeverythings going to go to shit or what. And if I say that, it’ll make them more concerned and ughhhhhhhhhh.
Anyway, that’s where I am. Sorry to anyone having to scroll though this. If you want, send me some “this or that” asks? That’d probably help take my mind off this.
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